Thursday, December 27, 2012

Nearly Two Years

A million times I've come to write in this space, edited this post, and left never quite feeling that it was right. 

It's still not.

Because what can possibly be right about a post when it revolves around missing a little boy over the holidays?

I don't know how we got to this point. How it's possible it's been almost two years since I held and kissed and welcomed that sweet little boy into our family. To think I thought we would get to keep him.

Two years on and I feel tremendous levels of grief, the degree to which I haven't felt in some time. There's a constant level of pain, and I'm not exaggerating in the least when I write that I think of him ten times per day, if not more. I suppose you could say it's an improvement (is it?!?!) from where I was before Grace arrived and my grief and that little face were all I thought about. Now, I think of him when I'm sad, when a commercial involves a little boy, I think of him when I'm happy and so proud of Gracie's latest accomplishment. Because I know he would be proud of her too, that he would want to gather her up in one of those hugs only little kids can form. That he'd pick her up (and drop her!) and kiss her little face entirely too hard. ugh. 

I just really miss him. There's no end to it. There's no "getting over it" to be done. Plain and simple he is so wanted and he can just never be again. I hate it.

The holidays are closing in quickly and I feel angry they are here again- why? Why are they back so soon? This year is better than last, certainly, but yet I always feel like we're settling because we only have one of our kids here and that really fucking sucks. We get to watch Grace roll around in crackling tissue paper and watch her eyes fill with delight when she looks at Christmas lights. But never him. 

I've been hyper emotional for the past few days weeks. Nit-picking and irritate... My temper is quick to flare. I can't control it, and in all honestly, I'm too exhausted to try. I long to hold him... I still wait for the opportunity to have a "do over". Scott and I are both frustrated with one another, and it's for no other reason than I am so emotionally charged with the holiday, anniversaries, and the like that I can barely stand to be in my own skin. 

I want to peel it off and throw it away. Let the ugliness out, you know?

This sounds so cliche and make-believe(y?), but I sometimes I can feel him here with us. Grace will stare off into an empty corner and her eyes will light up the same way they do in the morning when she first awakes... Or the way she smiles with her eyes when she sees her daddy. Or how she looks at my boobs- like that- all delightful and happy and content. It's him, I know it. I talk aloud to him, letting him know I love and miss him. That I hope we're making him proud. 

It's such a hard time for so many baby loss moms. So many anniversaries/birthdays and just build up to the holidays... The wondering if his/her name will be mentioned over dinner or in holiday cards... It's just... so awful, you know? I just hate that every year is going to be painful, and while I'll take it if it means he's remembered, it's so exhausting to even be thinking about it.

We're merely days out from his second birthday and I don't know what makes me sadder- that it's been two years since he joined our family- that it's been nearly two years since he left, or that we've managed two Christmases without him.  It's all so soul crushing.

I just miss his face

*I recently uploaded the footage we have of Jack from our camcorder to my new computer. In doing so I've capture a couple of screen shots and included them here. After not having watched it for more than a year, I can unequivocally say he is more beautiful than I even remember.

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