Thursday, December 27, 2012

Nearly Two Years

A million times I've come to write in this space, edited this post, and left never quite feeling that it was right. 

It's still not.

Because what can possibly be right about a post when it revolves around missing a little boy over the holidays?

I don't know how we got to this point. How it's possible it's been almost two years since I held and kissed and welcomed that sweet little boy into our family. To think I thought we would get to keep him.


Two years on and I feel tremendous levels of grief, the degree to which I haven't felt in some time. There's a constant level of pain, and I'm not exaggerating in the least when I write that I think of him ten times per day, if not more. I suppose you could say it's an improvement (is it?!?!) from where I was before Grace arrived and my grief and that little face were all I thought about. Now, I think of him when I'm sad, when a commercial involves a little boy, I think of him when I'm happy and so proud of Gracie's latest accomplishment. Because I know he would be proud of her too, that he would want to gather her up in one of those hugs only little kids can form. That he'd pick her up (and drop her!) and kiss her little face entirely too hard. ugh. 

I just really miss him. There's no end to it. There's no "getting over it" to be done. Plain and simple he is so wanted and he can just never be again. I hate it.


The holidays are closing in quickly and I feel angry they are here again- why? Why are they back so soon? This year is better than last, certainly, but yet I always feel like we're settling because we only have one of our kids here and that really fucking sucks. We get to watch Grace roll around in crackling tissue paper and watch her eyes fill with delight when she looks at Christmas lights. But never him. 

I've been hyper emotional for the past few days weeks. Nit-picking and irritate... My temper is quick to flare. I can't control it, and in all honestly, I'm too exhausted to try. I long to hold him... I still wait for the opportunity to have a "do over". Scott and I are both frustrated with one another, and it's for no other reason than I am so emotionally charged with the holiday, anniversaries, and the like that I can barely stand to be in my own skin. 

I want to peel it off and throw it away. Let the ugliness out, you know?


This sounds so cliche and make-believe(y?), but I sometimes I can feel him here with us. Grace will stare off into an empty corner and her eyes will light up the same way they do in the morning when she first awakes... Or the way she smiles with her eyes when she sees her daddy. Or how she looks at my boobs- like that- all delightful and happy and content. It's him, I know it. I talk aloud to him, letting him know I love and miss him. That I hope we're making him proud. 

It's such a hard time for so many baby loss moms. So many anniversaries/birthdays and just build up to the holidays... The wondering if his/her name will be mentioned over dinner or in holiday cards... It's just... so awful, you know? I just hate that every year is going to be painful, and while I'll take it if it means he's remembered, it's so exhausting to even be thinking about it.


We're merely days out from his second birthday and I don't know what makes me sadder- that it's been two years since he joined our family- that it's been nearly two years since he left, or that we've managed two Christmases without him.  It's all so soul crushing.

I just miss his face




*I recently uploaded the footage we have of Jack from our camcorder to my new computer. In doing so I've capture a couple of screen shots and included them here. After not having watched it for more than a year, I can unequivocally say he is more beautiful than I even remember.


22 comments:

B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsons said...

You know I understand each and every word of this. As if I don't email this on a daily basis with you.

I knew I hadn't seen these photos before and I'm so excited to see them. He's really beautiful. Like, really, really beautiful my friend.

I look at Andrew's pictures and think he's even more beautiful than the one (gawwww) time I saw him, too. I look at his pictures and I'm still amazed he was real...

I think that having Gracie and Benjamin here make us look at them even more fondly. We see our babies everyday and are able to connect them as siblings.

Jack is beautiful. I love him.

Molly said...

I too think I'm back to a level of grief that inhabent known for a while. Reality setting in after new babies' births maybe? Maybe watching the milestones and seeing what we missed? Maybe the damn holidays? But yeah, I'm a mess lately, and I don't even have an Nnivwrsary to deal with. Will be thinking of y'all certainly. And love the "new" pics!

Mama Bear said...

"Plain and simple he is so wanted and he can just never be again."
Oh, this breaks my heart. I hate it too. So so much.
I love Jack's squished up newborn face in the first photo. And those luscious lips.

Renel said...

Jack is so beautiful absolutely perfect! Watching videos of him must be so hard...I think I would just cry...I cry watching videos of me at the end ofmy pregnancy with Camille all happy and just about to give birth...Ugh
I know what you mean about wanting to pull off your skin and getting irritated with Scott.I totally get snappy and short tempered during hyper emotional times.
I remember people who were 7 months out from loss...thinking that seemed so long, now at almost 1.5 years out for me, It feels still excruciating
TWO years... a lifetime without a little boy who should be here.
"Because I know he would be proud of her too, that he would want to gather her up in one of those hugs only little kids can form. That he'd pick her up (and drop her!) and kiss her little face entirely too hard. ugh." I kinda laughed at this because Kai just dropped Harlow on the floor from his lap the other day...I totally got a very clear picture of Jack and Grace in this scenario.

"I just really miss him. There's no end to it. There's no "getting over it" to be done. Plain and simple he is so wanted and he can just never be again. I hate it." ~I hate it too.

I am thinking of you Laura...sending love.

My New Normal said...

I've had a lot of anger this Christmas as well. Anger at little things which I know is really anger about losing my baby boy. I just wish that none of us had to go through this. Hugs to you.

Natasha said...

He's so beautiful.....gorgeous.

2 years is unfair and just so wrong. I wish he was here. I wish things could be "right" in our lives.

Thinking of you and your sweet Jack. Sending lots of love.

Darcey said...

He is absolutely beautiful and I hate that he is not here. I think the sadness is normal now,but the missing...the missing is what really hurts my heart.

There is no end to it and my thoughts and prayers are with you through these next couple of days as you get ready to celebrate his birthday. So many hugs being sent your way.

Tiffany said...

i'm crying. yes. yes. yes. i understand. i can relate. i wish our boys were here with us. it's so fucking unfair.

Amy L. said...

He was so beautiful, LauraJane. And the thougt of Grace being able to see him, her eyes lighting up like that, both takes my breath away and brings me to tears. Love to you, Mama... <3

JoyAndSorrow said...

Always feels like you're settling. Yes. I hate that feeling so much. : (

Emily said...

He is beautiful. Truly. Wishing you peaceful thoughts this season, as I know it must be terribly hard with Christmas and then 'his days' following so closely behind.

Jen Burt said...

He is perfect, really really beautiful. That second picture is absolute perfection. And beyond that, I know there's nothing I can say that will be all that comforting, but know that I am thinking of you and your sweet little family this week and always. I have no words for how heartbreaking this all is, but I am also at a loss for words to truly express how grateful I am to you for your honesty and grace in all of this. You are one amazing momma to both your sweet babies.

Melissa said...

Love you!

sarah said...

He is absolutely gorgeous. Thinking of you and sending so much love, right now especially. xoxoxo

Nicole said...

He is completely perfect. I love everything about him. And I hate so much that he isn't here with you.

I can totally relate to wanting to come out of your skin and let the ugliness out. I know tat there are times, especially when I'm really grieving extra hard for Caroline, I can barely stand myself - much less anyone else. I'm always just so raw. Every emotion is just right there at the surface. It's hard and ugly and suffocating.

I'll be thinking of you and your sweet family in the days and weeks coming up.

Shell said...

I know, I can't believe it is coming up on two years here as well. Thinking of you all and hoping 2013 is great for you!

Brooke said...

LJ, he is so beautiful. xoxo

Suzanne said...

"I want to peel it off and throw it away. Let the ugliness out, you know?"

Yes, exactly. Sometimes I wish that I could get all of the ugliness of grief out of me - the pain and the bitterness is still so foreign and unwanted. I do have moments of feeling my son near, too. And times when I find refuge in the grief.

I'll be thinking about you in these upcoming days, holding vigil in my heart for your loss, and lighting a candle for your beautiful Jack.

LookItsJessica said...

Hey LJ-- just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you guys and baby Jack on his birthday yesterday. Sending my love and thoughts.

Anna said...

he is beautiful!

kidsakeeper said...

<3 it's that same old chestnut...I know, I understand, I feel the same...let me off the ride now...<3

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