Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Everyday

There are times, where I just sit here and think about it; Birthing him, cuddling him, taking him home, and then losing him, coming home empty-handed... I just can't believe that all really happened. I can't believe we're here still and he's not. I can't believe I have his little sister and she's beautiful and amazing and absolutely the light of our lives. And that this is our lives.

I just can't believe I have to keep living this life day in and day out, for the rest of my life. The life where my first born lived and died... It's a nightmare that plays out on a perpetual loop- "My baby died, my baby died".

I meet new people- I'm making friends in our new community! I always feel on guard though until they know about my son, about Jack... I feel like I'm waiting to drop a bomb on people- their response to my words (his story) dictating as to whether I should invest any further in sustaining a relationship.  And they have no idea that I'm almost expecting them to say something upsetting because I've heard it all before.  So far I've been lucky, but I still can't help but wish it wasn't my story, you know? Like I wish I could tell the story of "someone I know" or "my sister's friend's aunt"... I hate that "we" are those stories told over breaths held and thoughts of "thank God that's not me".


My heart breaks for people who are new to all of this. And for people who don't feel like they can talk about their child, because I speak of him all the time. His story is laced within the fabric of my life now... Stories I tell, they are the way there are because he lived. Because he died. There are caveats and (logical?) reasoning behind statements and decisions and they are because of him. Grace born as a c-section because he was one too... I can't explain why she was a c-section without mentioning he is the reason.. And I can't explain why she was a c-section at 37w4 without explaining that I freaked out and couldn't handle the stress of it all anymore because of him. Because we lost him and everything is because of him. So I mention him all the time because he is the reason for so many seemingly little details of my life. And because I'm proud of who he was and all he should have been. I fully intend for Grace to know about her brother and hope she's one day proud to carry his name as hers middle name.

Polka dot diaper and leggings
Somedays I am so thrilled to be able to mother her living, ever present self that I want a million more just like the two I've had. Except, you know, living. I could honestly hoard babies and would do so if it I weren't so terrified to lose another. I want to go back to the time where I believed my fertility were a given- as though I was the most fertile thing ever to walk the Earth... I want to go back to the ways in which I truly believed he would get here and we would keep him and we would live a perfect life in a house on a hill and there was never anything I could ever really ask for.  That people would look at my husband and I and our perfect little family and think that we got REALLY lucky! I guess, in theory, people may still look at us that way, with no idea we should have a big boy alongside our little lady.

The reality of the situation is that we would like another couple of children ( I would like a million, but there's not time for that...), and I hope to have the guts to do it again soon. I would love to be here a year from now and have another baby to show for my efforts. Boy or girl, it doesn't matter in the least- just here and healthy.

I'm going to end this post now because I have a silly post to put up in a couple days with my new years resolutions... Noting it's nearly March, it appears I'm right on schedule. ha!

One last thing, my friend Brandy wrote a terrific post about literature and the role it plays in processing grief. It got picked up for syndication by the BlogHer Publishing network- I can't think of any better way to get people to take note of infant loss/still birth/ miscarriage than for articles to be readily available through networks like this. One way to make sure these types of things get posted to larger networks is for it to be known there is an audience for this material, so if you haven't already, please head over and comment so they know it's an important topic! Thanks!

Okay, okay, more photos of Grace. Your wish is my command. ;)

Grace's Dolly House

Nine months with our leg rolls daughter

Dressed like a pretty pretty princess
One of her Valentine's Day poses 
And another.

You're welcome.

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