I don't think I've ever posted this, but forgive me if I have.
Every holiday season I think the same thing- that I have a love/hate relationship with the month of December. On one hand I love the smell of the tree (we just) put up, I love buying gifts for Grace. On the other, I hate, hate, hate how many women are grieving this month. I hate that I want to buy gifts for Jack even though he can never use them. I hate that this time, three years ago, I thought he would be here.
There's a radio station in Toronto and beginning in December, it plays Christmas music non-stop through to the new year. I love Christmas songs. One of my favourite has always been "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas". Except as I sing along there's one line in particular that "Gets" me every time.
"Through the years, we all will be together.
If the fates allow".
And I hate it so much, because fate hasn't allowed us all to be together. Because we can never be together, not all of us, not here.
And that makes me cry, still, when I sing along with the lyrics.
It makes me cry to know he won't be here and there will always be one little boy missing from under the tree.
I remember in the beginning, when we first lost Jack, telling Scott my goal for Christmas in the future. That my hope was that one day we would sit around the tree, drinking coffee, and watching our children tear into presents and laugh maniacally. That we would get sticky candy-cane kisses and have chocolate chip pancake mess smeared across our kitchen table in appreciation.
I want so much to have a beautiful Christmas, despite his absence. But we are a week away from his third birthday. We are three years removed from my last truly happy Christmas.
Thinking of my blms and their babies. So much heartache this time of the year.