Wednesday, January 1, 2014

In another life...



In another life, you are unwrapping gifts on your third birthday. Sitting quietly on the floor, as you tear back the paper, carefully putting it beside you so you can focus on the Tonka trucks and tractors. You smile a toothy grin at your momma, clearly thrilled to add to your stash of big boy toys.

You would be arguing with Gracie who wants nothing more than everything you have. She would look up at you, her eyes pleading for you to let her push your truck around, tears welling in her eyes. And maybe, because you're the best big brother ever, you might let her play with you- but only on your terms.

We would let you watch whatever you wanted the morning of your birthday. Dressed in footed pyjamas left over from Christmas, your blond hair shining after your bath. We would read stories to you both, and you would rub your momma's belly the same way your sister does- so excited to meet your new little sister.

In another life, this is what today should be.

That life is not ours.

There will be no trucks or tractors, no big boys clothes.

The house is scattered with pink ride-in cars, a Little People Princess castle, and your dad's shoes your sister insists on wearing around the house. It's all pinks and purples, very little blue. There was no battery-operated car under the tree this year, no little boy waiting to open it.

So much was taken on the day we lost you. Our hopes and dreams for you, the kisses we would have smothered you in each.and.every.day.

So what remains?

A few memories of cuddles in the dark, or stolen smooches, of stroking your velvet hair.

What remains is our love for you.

The love your sister must sense when we speak about you, or show your pictures to her.

What remains is the longing for the little boy we knew for only a few short days. The desire to raise a son.

The desire, ultimately, to raise you.

We love and miss you every day little boy. Happy third birthday little man.

19 comments:

Ida said...

There are no words, I know you know that...but I am grieving right along side you for all that should be and all that can't be. Happy 3rd Birthday Jack David.

Caroline said...

Oh how I wish those lives could have been one. Happy birthday, Mr. Jack. We love and miss you so.

Veronica said...

I'm in tears. My heart is breaking all over again. Every time I read what you write about your son, your love for Jack, I turn into such a mess.


Happy birthday Jack. Wish you were here celebrating 3 with your amazing parents. I can feel they love you so. I love you too little man <3

B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsons said...

Your boy remains beautiful to me. I know you know, but I think about his sweet face a lot and just wonder why fate didn't have that in store. Why is beautiful blond hair isn't shining and big boy toys laying amongst the pink.

I read The Giving Tree to Benjamin all the time. He requests it and shockingly sits through the entire book. I think of our boys we miss each time. It reminds me of them. Maybe the simplicity connecting to the simplicity of them-- not knowing enough about our boys making the love and understanding of them simple. Or the black and white pages symbolizing the sadness or pureness of our love for them. And of course the story itself. It's a love story and one that goes on for years in that boy's life... years we will always long for and never get.

Loving your sweet Jack today and always on his birthday and throughout what should be his 3rd year.

Brooke said...

Big fat tears here. For you and for Jack and for everything that should have been. He is so loved and so missed.

Rose said...

Hugs today, sweetie. This brought tears to my eyes. A very loved little boy indeed!

Rose

Molly said...

Phew, tears here too. Such a different life we would have with our first boys. Missing Jack with you, and wishing him a happy birthday in heaven.

Julie said...

In the moment I have nothing as eloquent as what you wrote or what others have commented. I find myself angry first, though it doesn't take much to move that curtain to find me on my knees in what are still shocked and horrified tears. I still find it hard to accept what happened to your beautiful Jack. Still bewildered that you're part of this group at all, that YOU HAD HIM, right there, just fine. For a few days.
I wish all you wrote was your life too. That you had all that boy energy in the house, both crazy and gentle. The depth and breadth of what will always be missing in your firstborn son...it's inconceivable. Even for me.
Been thinking of you all day.
Thank you for writing and sharing yourself and Jack with us, again. Never tire of hearing about him and your dreams of him.
Much love to you and to dear Jack. Happy Birthday, sweet boy.

Mama Bear said...

Happy birthday dear Jack. Tears here too for all that should be. xoxo

Alwais Threa said...

Happy birthday Jack.

Emily said...

Thinking of you and of Jack.

Renel said...

This is beautiful. Baby jack, 1 year old 2 year old and 3 year old Jack. He is missed every day. I wish the life you write about and fantasize about was yours to keep. I love you.

E said...

Hugs today too, the day after the day. Remembering Jack.

Melissa said...

So beautiful. Your words are tangible. I can hear the crash of the tonka trucks and feel the joy of the moment... And the mass of his loss.

Darcey said...

So beautiful...happy birthday to your little boy!!

Melissa said...

Beautifully written. You always manage to write how I'm feeling, but so much better. You paint a picture in my head, one that I relate to too easily. Love to you and your family on Jack's birthday <3

Nicole said...

Heartbreakingly beautiful. Jack is so loved. And so terribly missed.

Hallie Schumaker said...

Dear Laura Jane,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Jack. I too have a Jack and your beautiful words to him touched my heart. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

I have a question to ask you - would you have any interest in having a keepsake memory of him and doing a review on your blog? I work for Jewelry Keepsakes and we have a line of photo engraved jewelry that I think would make a wonderful tribute - if you have any favorite pics of him that you would like to capture and hold.

Please let me know and I will be happy to send more details. You can also reach me at hallie@jewelrykeepsakes.com.

Again, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. ((hugs))

Best regards,
Hallie Schumaker
Jewelry Keepsakes
http://www.jewelrykeepsakes.com/

Heather said...

Great post, Laura. I'll be sure to keep you in my thoughts. My name is Heather and I was hoping you could answer my question about your blog. My email is Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com :-)

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